Best Laid Plans

Well, it has been a bumpy ride.  And a few times I wasn’t sure things would work out for us to get a house and settle down.  But, low and behold, things are falling into place and we should be moving into our new space within the next week.  With job interviews getting scheduled for the next few days, school registration forms getting filled out and submitted, and the process of organizing my stuff from multiple locations into our new space, the coming days will be full of excitement and activity.  And I am ready for it.  After not working for almost six months since our return to the states from Costa Rica, I am super ready to start contributing to a vision and offering my services and support to an organization focused on being of service to the greater good.

With all these current happenings, it is easy to forget about stopping to take a breath and see how I am, what is present within me, and what my needs might be in any given moment.  But, thankfully, I have loving heart-centered people in my life to remind me and the habit of self reflection is so strongly anchored in my approach to life that neglecting it doesn’t ever last very long.  I believe some of the most value gifts I have given to myself is the tools and protocols I implement to support my mental, emotional, and physical health.  From a nutrition diet, to dancing around the house, to letting myself feel whatever is wanting to come up and be experienced, I have cultivated a life that is full of opportunities to appreciate what is true for me in the present and to get present to what is true regularly throughout my day.

Now that the pace of my life is picking up, and a day or two may pass before I check in, breath, express, and appreciate, I am reaffirming my dedication to these practices even more and beginning to teach my son more techniques to use for his own inner wellness so that we can engage in these activities together.

How are all of you readers getting along these days?  Please leave a comment to share what is happening in your life and how you are taking steps to support your own inner wellness, growth, and expansion.

 

Much Love,

Suyana

 

Advertisements

Direction

There comes a time in each individual’s arc of self realization that the confusion associated with the dismantling of one’s ego and false personas transforms into clarity and direction.  This process can be excruciating if we feel that the confusion and uncertainty is something to be judged, rejected, fixed, or overcome from the aspect that something is ‘wrong’ and once it is corrected, then we will feel ‘right’ again.  Everything is ‘right’.  Everything is perfectly aligned for our highest and best interest and development.  The sense that something needs to change but isn’t somehow different is merely a clue as to where we are putting conditions on our ability to live in harmony with Life itself.  This realization, for me, has opened up a willingness to grow at a rate that is balanced for me personally while developing an appreciation for all the things in my life that are offering the very lessons and understanding required for the personal evolution I desire.  Additionally, this realization came as a result of my journey inside and out.   Over the past several months, I have been traveling around the United States disassociating from the very pattern I am describing.  And this process of evolution was activated in me over the past several years.  In short, I have been feeling confused, unsure, uncertain, and lacking in clarity for quite some time.  And I have giving my power away in an effort to gain permission to fully embody the power that resides within me.  A power that, once tapped into, can ignite and fuel the passionate, fulfilling life that seemed to elude me as I matured in character and focus.  Life apparently knew all the way in which to extract in me that which was not in harmony with embodying my power while simultaneously stimulating the dormant aspects of myself that were waiting for me to feel ready and empowered to walk the path that I was calling forth.  One step at a time.

For much of this time, my confusion was a way for me to experience the feelings of unworthiness and victimhood.  Feelings that so many of us are feeling right now as humanity evolves beyond the limitations of this current and expiring paradigm of competition, scarcity and separation.  I was in the state of distraction and uncertainty that accompanies the viewpoint that if I look, analyze, dissect, and understand how other people get what they want, then I can manifest a fulfilling life and not feel so insecure in the world.  Once I was aware that this was the vantage point myself and so many other people were adopting to try to move through this inner process of evolution, I began to see that everyone I knew was in the midst of a transition or transformation in their lives.  I also began to see that I was offering myself as a catalyst for the people in my life to reflect on how their life was working out or not and whether they were satisfied or comfortable with the direction and shape it was taking.  I was also bringing into focus the awareness that we all were at best wondering and at worst worried that we were going to miss it, lose it, or sabotage it.  Whatever the it may be, a relationship, a opportunity, a life change, an awakening.  You name it.  People were worried that they were either going to get it wrong, getting it wrong, or dealing with the consequences of having already got it wrong.  Talk about pressure.

Once I discovered that commonality, the most uplifting thing happened.  Of course, the transition took on the guise of a healing process filled with frustration, despair, bargaining, apathy, rage, overwhelm, shame, sadness, and fear.  However, as I sat with myself and allowed these emotional states to be expressed, sometimes to the chagrin of my current companions, I saw a depth within me beginning to be revealed under the layers of repressed emotional content.  And the end result of this process was clarity, direction, and purpose.  I realized the desire within me to show up with my gifts and talents to be of service to those who wish to receive.  I felt a strength and understanding about how I would best serve myself with healthy commitments and supportive relationship dynamics.  I received a realization of the characters or archetypes that I personally embody and express in this world.  I also understood how they can work together harmoniously when they are not fighting or insisting to be heard.  I experienced relief as I offered each part of me a seat at the table of my life where I determine my decisions and trajectory in this world.  This calmed the inner conflict I was experiencing as a result of giving permission to some parts of me to exist while condemning other parts of myself.  

The only way I found the path there was to make peace with exactly where I was in this moment and open up to all the aspects of myself.  And that willingness to expect what is was born out of the unbearable pressure and intensity that this journey had created within me.  Once the struggle to be somewhere, something, or someone different finally subsided, I could awaken to the fullness of who I am in this current expression of myself.  Once I stopped feeling that I had to continue the search to find it, the answer, the place, the person; I discovered the wealth of resources that were there within me now and forever more.  And that gift gave me the most profound sense of direction. 

This trip has been absolutely amazing.  I have matured and developed into someone I value  deeply, all through the loving act of self-acceptance and a commitment to self realization.  And, although that unwavering commitment to self realization was a noble endeavor in my opinion, it has become ungrounded and chaotic in its expression.  And so, with joy and enthusiasm, I am putting away my suitcases for a while and focusing my attention and intention on creating a home and space for myself and family to rest, rejuvenate and create.  Self realization continues to be a core foundation of my way of being in the world, but now it will be expressed in a more functional and grounded reality.  I am excited to create a space where people can gather to share in a celebration and acknowledgement of life as it is, beautiful, complex, and ever-changing.  From this foundation I am sure I will continue to venture out into far away lands to connect with other like-minded and heart-centered souls.  But, for now, my intention remains fixed on building my own sanctuary from which I will expand out into the world.  Thank you so much to everyone who was a part of this epic journey and to all the people who opened their homes to Sebastian and I, I am forever grateful.  I look forward to inviting you to bask in my hospitality soon.

Much Love,

Suyana

Pain in the Neck – Part 2

The pain in my neck has transformed into the what is going on in my body?  And, also, Yippee!!!!  I can look to the right and not have double vision?  What?  I can wait up in the morning and feel rested and ready for the new day?  Is this for real?  And, if I am going to go full disclosure, where is all this limbo coming from the past week?  It is a result of my more aligned neck, my more free flowing cerebral spinal fluid, my good night’s sleep (as best as I can co-sleeping with my son on our road trip adventure), my relief from pain and discomfort?   Well, folks, I am thinking that might have something to do with it.  I really do.

Four chiropractic appointments later and I am really beginning to trust this new reality.  I went to my last appointment at the Cascade Chiropractic office in Portland before heading out of town to Seattle.  This office is full of positive vibes and attentive practitioners and staff.  They are a pleasure to be around and Dr. Johnson, again, took the time to listen to my feedback about how I was feeling before beginning to massage my overactive muscles and doing the adjustment.  And the last visit, he actually was able to adjustment my mid-neck, which was adamantly opposed to budging for all other chiropractors or appointments in the past.   I trust that the catalyst for this part of my body giving a little leeway was the four atlas adjustments I had received during the last two weeks, but I was astounded and pleased beyond belief for the relief it offered.  This part of my body has felt pinned or kinked for the past several years.  That’s right, years.  And I can only assume the improves will continue as I now have the energy and sense of well being to begin working out again and stretching my physical endurance and flexibility.  I won’t make the mistake of going too big too soon, but I will be pushing myself to get back the muscle tone and stamina I had before my neck issues inhibited so many physical activities that I enjoy.

The fill side to this coin, of course, is I don’t have this situation or condition to use as an excuse or explanation for not doing stuff anymore.  As I continue to improve and feel more and more confident that I have found a modality that works with my body to increase overall health and well being, I have to acknowledge that my beliefs and mental patterns about what I can and cannot do are changing as well.  Just like losing weight or earning more money can be a reason why we don’t go on that date or take that big leap in life or make that investment that we feel will pay off in the end; living in pain can become a crutch to not take action.

As the pain subsides, and the paradigm of not making my health and physical well being a priority dissolves, I am left with two feelings: one of enthusiasm and the other of curiosity.  If you have been reading my blog for the past few months, I have been dissolving and evolving a lot of beliefs, assumptions, and habits of being in the world.  Now that I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, without double vision mind you, I know that this process of correcting my spinal alignment is yet another aspect of my life that has evolved to support a personal world view of wholeness and well being.  I no longer feel fragmented and at odds with myself.

It may seem strange to think that neck pain could elicit such strong beliefs, but as a Wellness Coach, it was a thorn in my side for the past two decades.  How could I have all this knowledge and awareness of optimal health and still be in daily chronic pain?  Answer, it was not for me to heal or figure out.  It was an opportunity for me to seek and receive help.  Something I am learning to do more and more lovingly everyday.  And I am deeply grateful for the help that the atlas orthogonal modality and Dr. Johnson have offered me.  I will be returning to their office on my way back through that area sometime next month.  Until then, I will continue to do my at home care and keep elevating into the new paradigm of great spinal health.

I want to say a special thank you to Dr. Johnson and Alex in the Cascade Chiropractic office.  You made each appointment something to look forward to experiencing.

Much Love,

Suyana

A Pain in the Neck

I have had pain in my neck for more than a decade.  Chronic, constant pain in my neck.  Even with massage or chiropractic appointments, I would still have this persistent discomfort.  Even when I would stretch, do yoga, or make efforts to correct my posture, my seating position, this misalignment would permeate the moment and bring my attention again and again to the pain.

Today I went to a new type of chiropractor.  One that specialized in upper cervical adjustments and alignment.  The system he knew and implemented was called atlas orthogonal chiropractic.  I had an hour long one on one consultation with Dr. Johnson from Cascade Chiropractic in Portland.  I am traveling now for two months and it has been challenging for my spine, amongst other things.  Thankfully I was able to get an appointment with him the same day and I was in desperate need of some relief.

I am hesitant to say I feel different.  I keep reminding myself that I am open to receive this healing.  I am aware that I could make this a mantra to distract myself from the pain or I could keep present and notice that the pain is not there, not like before.  It is leaving me.  And in this moment, I can trust it.  The first time I said I am open to receive this healing, I was fully present with the willingness I felt to live without it.  The next few times, I realized I was saying it in the hopes that it would somehow guarantee the relief for the future.  So I stopped saying it.  I kept being present to the relief.  To the relaxed feeling in my body.  I have another appointment in 3 days.  I will keep you update.

If you suffer from chronic neck pain, you may have been intrigued about this type of chiropractic service.  I have added links to the blog to direct you to the office I went to if you are in Portland and an international directory for these types of chiropractors.  I can only recommend this doctor for right now as I have not been to any other chiropractors on the list.

Much Love,

Suyana

I had a dream

I had a dream last night.  I was getting ready to go to an appointment I made with an oracle.  She was meant to tell me all the answers to my most burning questions.  In my dream, I was suffering from neck pain, which is similar to how I felt going to sleep, and she was going to tell me how to heal my neck pain, where to live, and how to best contribute to the world and its evolution into the highest possible vibration; amongst other things.  I arrived to the appointment with much anticipation and excitement about receiving clarity on all these most important topics.  To my dismay, the oracle did not answer any questions, after spending several minutes talking to her helpers and being distracted, she told me she could not be available for the appointment.  She said I could come to a group meeting she was leading in a few days.  I said that wasn’t ok.  I made the appointment and I showed up with questions I wanted answered.  Then I woke up.

I couldn’t help but have a feeling of disappointment run through my mind as I recalled the dream and felt the desire again to know the answers to my live’s most pressing mysteries.  But then, a smile began to take shape and spread across my face as I realized that the mysteries would remain as long as I wanted someone outside of me, someone like say, an oracle, to give me a play by play on what to do with my life.  I know the things I know, which seems less and less of the total sum of things to know as I get wiser.  I don’t know a lot.  Many of the things I don’t know are the answers to these questions.  And this dream was a reminder that, although I am willing to maintain a curious relationship with these present mysteries, I am still secretly searching for a treasure map or instruction manual or soothsayer that is the key to unlocking the hidden potential of my life.

As the day progressed, I got farther and farther away from the wanting to know and more and more immersed in the beauty of my life.  Playing with a baby.  Hanging out with a friend.  Walking through the woods.  Talking with my son.  Eating delicious healthy foods.  Breathing and relaxing.  What a beautiful dream my day was today.  What shall I dream tonight.  And tomorrow?

 

Much Love,

Suyana

Who you talkin’ to…

As  I have recently mentioned, these days have been chocked full of emotional peaks and valleys.  The roller coaster of internal evolution continues.  I have been needing to access a number of tools to stay grounded amidst the inner whirlwind of chaos and releasing.  Releasing self-doubt, self-judgments, expectations, immaturity, frustration, and the big, bad fear.  And I am still here, ya’ll.

I am not sure exactly what compels me to share this awakening process.  Which I resist even calling it that because the words are full with anticipation and expectation.  In fact, I have been purging so many expectations, as of late, that even seeing myself in the context of an awakening process brings a new set of expectations to my detoxing mind.  The energies of this current purging process and the idea of taking on, yet again, the quest for enlightenment cannot share the same space within me.   One of them has got to go.  It does, however, lead to the most fascinating verbal banter my mind has ever constructed.

It goes a little something like this:

“If I am going through an awakening process then that means I will need to achieve the end result of that awakening.”

“Which is enlightenment, right?”

“So now I must again achieve something, strive to attain, effort to accomplish.  But I am exhausted of ‘trying’ to become enlightened.  I have become very aware of the fact that my efforts may have no real barring on the situation at all.  Things seem to be unfolding as they do whether I am aware, prepared, or focused on them.  I am starting to think I am not the one driving the ship.”

“I’m hungry.  Why don’t we get some chocolate and watch stand-up comedy?  That always makes us feel better.”

“Fate is the circumstances you experience as the highest and best encouragement for your soul’s, and by extension Consiousness, expansion and evolution.  Your freewill is how you experience those circumstances as they are unfolding in real time.  Even if you are remembering, your freewill is the expression of choice in how you remember things or where you choose to focus your attention.  The same is true about the future.  All of this is happening in a simultaneous Now.”

“So what do I do Now?”

“Eat chocolate and watch stand-up!  Eat chocolate and watch stand-up!”

“The only doing is being.  When the art of doing becomes being, you are now flowing with Consciousness.”

“Chocolate!  Chocolate!!”

“Can I trust you?”

“Who am I, but you?”

“If you don’t eat some chocolate, I am going to freak the hell out!”

And so on, and so forth.   The various constructs of the same beautiful mind.  But I willingly share it with you, because we are sharing in this experience.  Those who notice, know what I am talking about.  And you are all the ones reading this post.  Our collective consciousness is evolving and we are all experiencing our personal aspect of that expansion.

My mind banters unceasingly until I evolve beyond identifying with it, which is one of my tools.  It’s such a simple thing, but requires so much patience.  Just to truly listening to the mind.  To honor each emotion that flows from beginning to end. Again and again.  By breathing with awareness of it.  Over and over.  So many of us are saying the same thing.  Be.  Nature. Breath.  Love.  Connect.  Trust.  Be.  Be.  Be.  Remember.  Remind each other to be.  Be. Nature.  Breath.  Love.  Connect.  Trust.  Be.  Be.  Be.

These habits are worth the practice it takes to anchor them into our way of being in the world.  I feel so powerful and empowered to know that I have every moment yet another opportunity to be, to trust, to love, to connect, to breath, and to be nature.  That is how powerful we all are, each moment, every moment.  Remember.  Remind each other.

Much Love,

Suyana

Watch Out

I have always been an observant person.  I grew up watching the ways the world/people acted and displayed itself/themselves when others were looking.  I say world/people because don’t those two things become one in the same over time?  The world, as subjective as a topic can be, is only ever a compilation of experiences, perceptions, and our perceptions of our experiences, and our expectations of experiences to come.   This is what I spent my lifetime paying attention to through the perceptions, of course, of my own unique soul signature.

Even in the midst of this portrayed reality unfolding before me, I also felt the underlying truth of how things really were pulsing underneath the surface, like veins coursing throughout the body.  This underlying energy always seemed more valuable than what was presented.  I wanted to know the ways of this foundational energy, the energy under the persona that we don to protect ourselves, our world.  I wanted to discover why we kept this energy hidden and learned to project an entirely different character into the world.

I knew how to don the masks and play the game of life, too.  I learned fast and jumped right into the game.  But did I realize what I was doing or know why I was doing it?  Did I know how to live Life as the truest expression of my unique self?  To be the energy underneath it all expressing itself to the world.  The energy of truth and purity.  The reality of vulnerability and compassion.  Wasn’t it time?   Didn’t I hear a calling to share and show this energy for all to be, see, experience?  Was anyone teaching this skill in schools and seminars?  What would happen if I dared to be this brave?

But I knew how to play the game.  Like I said, I was observant and I learned quickly how my culture wished to experience my presence.  Grown up, proper, polite, helpful, interesting, humble, responsible, and intelligent.  This is your part.  All the qualities one would look for in a job applicant at a local business.  I was groomed to be a good worker and contributing member of society.  The catch was that underneath the bravado and conditioning pulsed the energy of individuality, self expression, curiosity, wildness, and truth.  It vibrated endlessly requesting my attention, appreciation, and acknowledgement.  These qualities within were persistent in their desire to be expressed.  And I have to say, I was really interested to see how that would go.  I’ll admit, I was also terrified.

Nowadays, more and more people are feeling this energy.  More are turning their attention to it.  More people are abandoning the preparations for a life of working for an external master that does not encourage the fundamental values of self expression, curiosity, individuality, wildness, and truth.  More and more people are unveiling the Source of their power.  A power which can be used to resign oneself to a life of calculated decisions to insure a future within the present system of hierarchy or applied to the efforts of service, thriving, connection, healthy, fulfillment, wholeness, personal and collective expansion and evolution.  And there is no right answer.  Both roads lead to the same end, oddly enough.

Regardless of the path your expansion takes, it is unfolding.  You may be experiencing healthy issues, financial struggle, confusion about your purpose, discontent, relationship patterns of sabotage and abuse, righteous activist or apathy.  You are still on the path of expansion.  We are literally in this process together.  We are evolving whether we work in a thankless job forty hours a week, hide out in our home collecting disability checks, or travel aimlessly around the world trying to find ourselves.  We are on the road on evolution in each and every situation.  How present, willing, or resistant we are to the process may color and share our experience of it, but it is happening just the same.

So how do you harmonize with the process and make it less uncomfortable.  Well, I have began to regard the impact I have on the environment around me with great care and awareness.  I have embraced that at times things can get pretty uncomfortable, but I am willing to stay in the discomfort and receive the gifts that arise from it.  Discomfort is often the exact growing experience we require to move to the next level.  I have found the more I am willing to be with it and not escape into some habit of distraction, the more profound the insights and lessons can be.  I realize it is a gift that we can shift and evolve into more full, authentic, honest, and expansive perspectives in every moment.  I feel grateful for this present.  (Ha!  pardon the pun.)

Now that I have spent the past 38 years observing the world/people or myself in the context of ‘How does all this work?’, I am approaching, with full inclusion and attention being the primary objective, the subject matter of ‘I am part of this work.’  As I am becoming more and more aware of this honor of being in the work of Life, I am actively choose to express the underlying pulse of Energy.  I feel so grateful to be living this way as the road to here was quiet challenging, but it strengthened me so profoundly that I was ready to step forward as a result of the initiation process.  And I feel so very grateful to be sharing the experience with you.

I look forward to seeing you in the art of living Life.

Much Love,

Suyana

Where is this all going?

 

I have been feeling a whole host of various emotions these past days.  A regular roller coaster kind of montage of emotional states.  Deep longing, powerful inspiration, debilitating fear, stunning clarity, total confusion, sheer determination, devastating self doubt and judgement, profound love and gratitude.  We are running the gauntlet around here, me and my multiple personalities, and no one has informed us of where the finish line is located.  So we just keep running.

You know how, when you are going somewhere for the first time, it seems to take longer to get there than it does when you come back home?  It is technically the same distant, assuming you took the same route.  But for some strange reason, the unknown part of the trip seems longer.  Does that ever happen to you?  Well, that is also the underlying state of the last few days.  Not only have I been jumping on that roller coaster off and on all waking hours of my day, when I am not traversing the next climb or launching into the next drop; I’m resting in a state of ‘where is the exit’?

Impatience is a sign of being destination oriented and not surrendering to the present moment.  I am well aware of this on a cognitive level.  My mind understands that impatience is a resistance to what is.  This is often resulting from an expectation that is not being fulfilled because of a projection we have towards something outside of ourself.  These projections create a righteous attitude toward how life or life experiences are or should be showing up.  Now, what does all that mean?  It means, impatience is an opportunity to become present, settle into the reality of the moment, embrace absolutely everything that is in that moment including however you are reacting or responding to it and breathe.

So, I am impatient with the unknown being, well, unknown to me.  Which means I still belief that knowing is preferable to the magical synchronized unfolding of each consecutive moment.  I am also afraid to not have the answers to some pretty important questions like…  Where are we going to live?  What am I going to do to support myself and son?  How much longer will I be unclear about these things?  It is also related to the gap between fully trusting myself and Spirit and trying to stay one step ahead of Life.   Additionally, it is an indicator that I want the answers to come from outside of myself.  I am not seeing myself as the Source.  I am looking for signs and feeling not good enough in the absence of those signs.  So I keeping running on the roller coaster.  If you think that sounds challenging, trust me, it is.  Roller coaster are meant to be ridden, not ran.  Nonetheless, here I am, so please hand me some water and cheer me on, friends.

Luckily, my willingness to embrace and meet this veiled future points to an aspect of myself that is growing and expanding.  This part of me is cultivating the grounded belief that I have a supportive, nourishing, and resourceful relationship with the Creator of All That Is.  That I am, in fact, worthy because of my inherent Divine Nature.  Such is the case for all of us.   Yah!!!  And that dance back and forth between the gauntlet of trying to outmaneuver life and the spacious state of allowing the co-creative energy of collaborating with Divine Intelligence is becoming more and more enjoyable as I traverse the stages of personal evolution.

Until we meet again, be well and enjoy the now.

Much Love,

Suyana

Embrace the Unraveling

Three days in Boulder and I have cried at least once each day thus far.  After fielding dozens of questions about what I am planning to do, what type of schooling program I have my son enrolled, where I plan on living, how I plan to fund my living, and, my favorite, was I in a cult in Costa Rica; I am finally having a moment to feel into myself and experience my own fears and insecurities, as opposed to defusing and holding space for other people’s fears, worries, and limiting beliefs.  All in all, it has been a time to reflect and recenter into my own energy.  Which I am able to do in the beautiful space my friends from Costa Rica have created here.  We met at an intentional community four years ago, which is not to be confused with a cult, although to many of my family members, these terms seem to be interchangeable.

I have grown accustomed to being a strong and objective sounding board for many people in my life.  Allowing them to express their beliefs, feelings, and perspectives with openness and a willingness to respect their point of view.  However, at this vulnerable and transitionary time I am now in, doing this, especially when the opinions being shared are about my choices, I am finding there is less space in me to do just that.  After reconnecting with family that I haven’t seen in many years, I realized that their comfort zone created a certain level of tension in the interactions.  Not because I didn’t enjoy the time I spent with them or that they were outwardly judgmental, although some were just that, but because my lifestyle and choices were so far out of the norm for them that it created discomfort.  Discomfort that showed up at times as curiosity, but at other times manifested as assumptions, scrutiny, opinionated sharings, and a general rejection of this way of living.  I told one person I was living in an intentional community and they responded with a scoffing; ‘Aren’t all communities intentional?  Do people often just gather together and decide to live in that place?”  I would say, yes, to that sarcastic response as most communities are just that, a collection of people who are there because the location is convenient and perhaps it has some or many desired amenities, or just the right price tag.  Whatever the case may be, these particular groups of people do not tend to have an intentional perspective of coming together as a community.

But I didn’t say that.  I laughed.  I charmed.  I answered gently with good humor about what exactly an intentional community was in the context of how I was using the term.  And, for the most part, I felt open to sharing my experiences and meeting people where they were without judgement or resistance.  But those conversation were followed by more of the same.  House after house, people giving me their opinion of what I should be doing, how they felt about my life, and why they couldn’t or wouldn’t live like me.

And now I am here and I am depleted.  I am embracing the unraveling of the tension and disconnection that was mounting through these interactions, compounding on top of my own insecurities about continuing a journey of self discovery and forging ahead on my own unique path of living.  I would say that this life is not for the faint-hearted, but I am not living their lives either, so what is the usefulness or validity in comparing.  We are different and that is wonderful.  I have said that I don’t see one lifestyle as better or worse than the other.  But for me, I do have a preference.  And, like most people, I see the value in being around people who I can express myself with freely who are like-minded most of the time.

So, I am spending time with my tribe.  My chosen tribe that I have acquired through travels and immersing myself in environments that support and foster self-reflection and outside the norm ways of living and being in the world.  This tribe sees me crying in the kitchen out of the blue and just says, “let me know if you need or want anything from me; a loving embrace, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to bend all your scattered thoughts into, or anything else.  Just say the word”  These offers are sincere and I am grateful.  They don’t drop everything to hear all the horrible things that are causing me to weep.  They don’t even assume that anything in particular happened to trigger the emotional release.  They know this is part of the process of being fully human, personal evolution, and embracing the unraveling of tension, sadness, fear, uncertainty, and self doubt that builds up in us over a lifetime.  Especially if that lifetime started with lessons from their environment that crying is weak, angry is unacceptable, and vulnerability is something to be avoided.  This tribe resonates with me because they want to walk through the fire of transformation with willingness and curiosity.  They do not turn away.  I dare say some of them even joyously sprint toward the dancing flames.

I am one of them.  I love this courage I see in myself and reflected in my relationships.  We are daring to accept all the aspects of being alive.  And my journey continues to unravel the areas in me that are bound by the agreements and conditioning so popular in this culture to follow the status quo, suppress or repress undesirable emotional states, and be like the crowd.  Everything is being washed out by my willingness to embrace the unraveling.  And when it is complete, I will be laid out, fully exposed, without any apprehension about what life may bring me, because I am reborn with the innocence and purity buried under years of condition totally available to meet life with my totality.

And so it is…

Much Love,

Suyana

 

In Spite of…

Some people in life inspire us to be better, to grow, to evolve, to rise to the occasion, to believe in ourselves, to trust our intuition, to share our gifts, to express our emotions, to speak our perspective, to care more about ourselves than anyone else.  Some people foster that drive in us.

And some people serve as a different catalyst to growth and evolution.  Some people are there for us to move forward in spite of what they teach us, instill in us, and condition us to believe.  For those of us who are not aware of these people’s purpose in our lives, they can be the voices in your head that keep you from doing all the things I mentioned before.  They can poison your thought, undermine your talents and abilities, doubt your strength and resilience.  They can deter you from walking forward on your path and expect you to consider there opinions, ideas, needs, and expectations ahead of your own.  These people can be aware of what they are doing, but more often than not, they are the next generation in a long line of naysayers and are unaware of the impact and pain they inflict in their relationships.  Most people can play both roles from time to time.  Giving you loads of encouragement one moment, then retracting that support in lieu of judgement and rejection because your behavior is not in harmony with their believes and conditionings.  That type can be especially challenging.  And, in case you know one or a few of these members of your community and you want to awaken them to the role they play, stop.  Keep reading.

The most frustrating and disempowering aspect of maintaining a relationship with people of this nature is they do not and will not see it unless they seek to learn their true nature of their own free will.  They have adopted a self-absorbed mentality in life and this prevents them from having the capacity to be aware of the role they are playing when it is reflected to them.  It is all about them.  They want to be understood, they expect to be considered first and foremost and they are mostly unable to see it from another perspective, but they expect you to see it their way.  Sound familiar?   

Perhaps you would say that everyone is like that to a degree.  However, the difference between those of us that know our life revolves around us and can have a humble understanding of what that means.  I.E. my reality is based on my perspective of the world, people, and circumstances I am experiencing.  Even though some of my perspectives have been sourced from others and do not belong to me or my reality, they are here influencing my life and I am the center of that microcosmic world.  This is not true for the above mentioned personalities.  Those who you ‘evolve in spite of’ want everyone to see things from their perspective, feel entitled to be offended if you don’t, and will punish any behavior that points out their shortcomings, mistakes, downfalls, or passive aggressive assaults.

I’ll give you an example.  On my personal journey of self-realization, I felt called to receive a new name.  I did not anticipate this change nor did I seek it out, but it arrive along my path just the same.  I understood that it might come as a shock to people in my life, especially my parents, but I was not willing to disregard this inner calling for their sake, so I received a new name during a silent retreat I attended.  It was a perfect fit.  I was overjoyed to start this next chapter in my life with a fresh start and a new name.  Fast forward to a little over a year later.  I am still being called and responding to my birth name by my parents.  Although I have expressed tolerance and patience around their resistance to even consider using my correct name and address me as I call myself, I have spoke about it only twice.  Once, saying, “Wow, that is really triggering me when you call me that.”  And, “You know, I don’t remember you ever using my old name as much as you do now.  It is like every time you talk to me you have to say it.”

I made one of these statements to each of my parents at different times.  One parent was reflective as to how their behavior affected me and acknowledged this impact.  One parent wanted to see it see it the way they say the situation and was not reflective about their behavior while criticizing me for not being more understanding or thoughtful about their experience.  This is the behavior that I am referring to in relationships.  When you bring an issue or concern to light, it is met with offense, often followed by some type of punishment righteousness about their perspective without any desire or attempt to empathize with the other person.

These type of interactions can foster a desire to also take a stance of superiority or righteousness.  Try to resist this approach.  Instead, understand that they are there in your life for a reason.  The reason varies from person to person, but it seems to boil down to a few core lessons that we must learn as human beings.  One, that you are actually the most important person in your life.  Although the “in spite of” people may be taking this truth to the extreme, it is a good thing to remember.  Once you realize that you are the most important person in your life, you can claim full responsibility for your life experience, which is based on your personal perceptions.  Two, empathy is a quality that fosters intimacy and vulnerability in every relationship.  If you do not have the capacity or willingness to empathize in your relationships, you can only achieve a certain level of depth and closeness in those relationships.  And now that you know what that defensive and self-centered approach to interacting feelings like as the recipient, you are much more motivated to not be like that with other people.  Three, you have a dynamic, resilient nature that can overcome nearly any circumstance, even being manipulated or unseen in the most impactful relationships.  And finally, acceptance, understanding, and unconditional love are first and foremost sourced from within.  As you find disappointment and hurts in these relationships, you begin to receive more and more motivation to go inward and source these qualities from inside of yourself as opposed to the relationships outside.  And as a result of this process of going within, you will find that you attract more and more relationships that mirror that inner reality to you in the external world.

 

Much Love,

Suyana (which means ‘hope’ in the Quechua language)

P.S.  Thank you to all my relationships in life.