In Spite of…

Some people in life inspire us to be better, to grow, to evolve, to rise to the occasion, to believe in ourselves, to trust our intuition, to share our gifts, to express our emotions, to speak our perspective, to care more about ourselves than anyone else.  Some people foster that drive in us.

And some people serve as a different catalyst to growth and evolution.  Some people are there for us to move forward in spite of what they teach us, instill in us, and condition us to believe.  For those of us who are not aware of these people’s purpose in our lives, they can be the voices in your head that keep you from doing all the things I mentioned before.  They can poison your thought, undermine your talents and abilities, doubt your strength and resilience.  They can deter you from walking forward on your path and expect you to consider there opinions, ideas, needs, and expectations ahead of your own.  These people can be aware of what they are doing, but more often than not, they are the next generation in a long line of naysayers and are unaware of the impact and pain they inflict in their relationships.  And, in case you know one or a few of these members of your community and you want to awaken them to the role they play, stop.  Keep reading.

The most frustrating and disempowering aspect of maintaining a relationship with people of this nature is they do not and will not see it unless they seek to learn their true nature of their own free will.  They have adopted a self-absorbed mentality in life and this prevents them from having the capacity to be aware of the role they are playing when it is reflected to them.  It is all about them.  They want to be understood, they expect to be considered first and foremost and they are mostly unable to see it from another perspective, but they expect you to see it their way.  Sound familiar?   

Perhaps you would say that everyone is like that to a degree.  However, the difference between those of us that know our life revolves around us and can have a humble understanding of what that means.  I.E. my reality is based on my perspective of the world, people, and circumstances I am experiencing.  Even though some of my perspectives have been sourced from others and do not belong to me or my reality, they are here influencing my life and I am the center of that microcosmic world.  This is not true for the above mentioned personalities.  Those who you ‘evolve in spite of’ want everyone to see things from their perspective, feel entitled to be offended if you don’t, and will punish any behavior that points out their shortcomings, mistakes, downfalls, or passive aggressive assaults.

I’ll give you an example.  On my personal journey of self-realization, I felt called to receive a new name.  I did not anticipate this change nor did I seek it out, but it arrive along my path just the same.  I understood that it might come as a shock to people in my life, especially my parents, but I was not willing to disregard this inner calling for their sake, so I received a new name during a silent retreat I attended.  It was a perfect fit.  I was overjoyed to start this next chapter in my life with a fresh start and a new name.  Fast forward to a little over a year later.  I am still being called and responding to my birth name by my parents.  Although I have expressed tolerance and patience around their resistance to even consider using my correct name and address me as I call myself, I have spoke about it only twice.  Once, saying, “Wow, that is really triggering me when you call me that.”  And, “You know, I don’t remember you ever using my old name as much as you do now.  It is like every time you talk to me you have to say it.”

I made one of these statements to each of my parents at different times.  One parent was reflective as to how their behavior affected me and acknowledged this impact.  One parent wanted to see it see it the way they say the situation and was not reflective about their behavior while criticizing me for not being more understanding or thoughtful about their experience.  This is the behavior that I am referring to in relationships.  When you bring an issue or concern to light, it is met with offense, often followed by some type of punishment righteousness about their perspective without any desire or attempt to empathize with the other person.

These type of interactions can foster a desire to also take a stance of superiority or righteousness.  Try to resist this approach.  Instead, understand that they are there in your life for a reason.  The reason varies from person to person, but it seems to boil down to a few core lessons that we must learn as human beings.  One, that you are actually the most important person in your life.  Although the “in spite of” people may be taking this truth to the extreme, it is a good thing to remember.  Once you realize that you are the most important person in your life, you can claim full responsibility for your life experience, which is based on your personal perceptions.  Two, empathy is a quality that fosters intimacy and vulnerability in every relationship.  If you do not have the capacity or willingness to empathize in your relationships, you can only achieve a certain level of depth and closeness in those relationships.  And now that you know what that defensive and self-centered approach to interacting feelings like as the recipient, you are much more motivated to not be like that with other people.  Three, you have a dynamic, resilient nature that can overcome nearly any circumstance, even being manipulated or unseen in the most impactful relationships.  And finally, acceptance, understanding, and unconditional love are first and foremost sourced from within.  As you find disappointment and hurts in these relationships, you begin to receive more and more motivation to go inward and source these qualities from inside of yourself as opposed to the relationships outside.  And as a result of this process of going within, you will find that you attract more and more relationships that mirror that inner reality to you in the external world.

 

Much Love,

Suyana (which means ‘hope’ in the Quechua language)

P.S.  Thank you to all my relationships in life.

Advertisements

Home Sweet Home

After spending a few days with a dear friend from high school, I am firmly anchored into a belief that home is where love grows and thrives.  It is not about adventure and travel verses a house and stability.  If I were to choose, I would want both, the resources, time, and space to travel and the house to come home afterwards.  Up until now, it has been one or the other, leaving behind the security of the known and venturing into the world beyond without any anchor point to return to other that the home of my family or settling into a temporary rental space for a time to integrate and regroup before heading out again on the open road or, in some cases, the open skies. 

As I walked around my friends house to see how she had chosen to made a house a home, a smile started to develop and grow bigger and wider as I saw inspirational messages and, in particular, the word love over and over throughout her home.  It seems that she has chosen to decorate her home with uplifting images and messages of family, love, and the reminder that all things are possibly if you believe and persist in the attaining of said things.  And I realized after all these years, with such different life paths and life experiences, we share some very common core ideas about how the world works.  Where attention goes, energy flows being one of them.  Additional, we share a general orientation towards achieving our highest potential and most fulfilling life expression through our persistent actions of self-discovery and personal development.

This journey my son and I are on has a two-fold foundational purpose.  One, to discover our next place to settle down.  Ideally, to discover a place to put down root and build a home for the long term.  Second, to trust.  To cultivate and expand the quality of trust in my life, self trust, trust in Spirit/God/Divine Intelligence, trust in life and people.  I am moving across the states with a loose plan of where we will go next with the intention of growing the quality of trust.  Visiting family and friends, seeing intentional communities, taking in the sights and beauty of this vast country, and gaining more and more clarity throughout the process is all part of the process. 

“You may say I am a dreamer, but I am not the only one,” was the slogan on a shirt my friend gifted me twenty years ago when we graduated high school.  It had an image of the world and a peace sign on it.  I wore that shirt until it fell apart.  These words are as true today as they were back then.  I may be idealistic, but I have years of successes and amazing life experiences to remind me that this approach to life has its advantages.  It may be unconventional, but that’s half the fun.

While she and I were taking a walk last night talking about what we had done and things we had been through, it dawned on me that her years in the corporate world, supporting her daughter, and growing her career had fueled and fostered a desire and drive to continue to challenge herself and break through to higher and higher expressions of reality.  Likewise, my journey to see the world, develop an intentional community and start a template for living a new paradigm fostered the same intentions and purpose.  And it has been a common ground and binding aspect of our continuously evolving relationship.  Our drive to keep expanding our reality has propelled us in different directions but with a shared purpose.  As I lied down to sleep in her beautiful and inspirational space, I felt such a deep sense of gratitude for our mutual perspective.  I understood that home sweet home was represented to me by the sense of belonging I feel when I am connecting in this way with another person.  It can be their home, my home, or a meeting in the park; but I feel that same feeling regardless of location each time.  Belonging, connection, comfort and appreciation for one another is my sense of home.  And I felt right at home sweet home in her beautiful space.  I am excited to move on to the next stage of our journey.

To all my readers, thank you for joining me as I continue to journey with my beautiful son across this land and beyond.  Where ever you are, I hope you are feeling at home.

Much Love,

Suyana

P.S.  Thank you, dear friend, for your hospitality and warm heart.  I look forward to connecting again.

The Open Road

I have embarked on a trip across the states with my son as of March 18th.  First stop, Greensboro to see some friends before we venture out into the world beyond.  Next stop, Hendersonville for some rest and relaxation with my sister before camping, visiting intentional communities, and staying with dear friends and family along the way.  My son and I enjoy some hiking in the Appalachian mountains when the weather permits.  Well, to be exact, I hike and he insists on bring his bike.  We visit Sliding Rock in Brevard, NC.  I totally recommend going there.  The water is shiver-inducing cold, but the enjoyment of sliding down the natural rock face more than makes up for the brisk and shocking plunge into the water at the bottom.  Luckily, my son insisted I do it, “at least once, come on, Mom,” before we go.  And I am so glad he did, because it was exhilarating.  He was the star of the show for the hour or so we were there.  His confident trek up the side of the rock and bold entry onto the top of the rock slide inspired many a men to put on their game face and get in the icy water.  There was a group of men biking around the area that were taking cues and tips from him to find just the right spot to go down. 

Once we enjoyed our stay at the little cabin we found on AirBnb.com  and spent a few days with my sister in full on chill mode, we stepped out of the comfort of home base being a few hours a way and started towards the Midwest, Illinois to be exact.  This is the only area I would say I did some of my growing up.  Having moved now over 40 times, I didn’t grow up staying in one place too long.  With the exception of Peoria Illinois, we were all over the Midwest most of my childhood.  But we ended up in this area with half a dozen different addresses from middle school until I moved to California at age twenty-one.  I am writing this blog from the umbrella covered patio area of my oldest friend’s house.  When you move as much I do, you really start to appreciate the relationships that stand the test of time, distance, and absence.  Although my friend and I do not communicate regularly or frequently, when we do, we always enjoy the exchange and appreciate the time together.  My son has kids here to play with and there are lots of recreational activities to enjoy in her beautiful space, including a hot tub and pool table.

Once we leave here, it will be onto family visits in Nebraska before heading to Boulder to check out our first intentional community along the way, Sunshine Ranch.  The farther away from our starting point I get, the more clarity I have around what this trip is presenting for me and my life.  I see so many beautiful expressions of how to live with the people I know.  From apartments to homesteading to subdivisions, to off grid; everyone is trying to create a place where they feel comfortable and secure.  As an adult gypsy-journeying solo mom, my sense of secure has become inevitably tied to my own inner sense of confidence and trust.  At times of doubt, I question my choices and see that I could have taken another road.  I see my dear friend from high school with her decade long career with one company, beautiful family, and lovely house and feel that this secure may have also been enjoyable for myself and my son to experience.  I wonder if he will look back on his life and long for that stability.  If he will be reluctant to commit to things as an adult because he was in constantly changing environments in his youth.  But on the confident, trusting waves I ride, I am sure and appreciative of the other road that I show to those who I interact with as well.  The road of adventure, of change, of idealistic pursuit of a life uncommon to the Western world at this time.  The road of creative endeavors, personal development, travel, and sustainable living off grid, outside of the mainstream culture that I was raised to appreciate and adopt in my adult life. 

I do not value one lifestyle over the other.  I am so grateful for my friend and her stable home, and consistent growth and development through her career and her personal journey as a parent and conscious person in the mainstream paradigm.  We can and do inspire one another to see the infinite possibilities available to us.  On the open road, I love knowing I have these beautiful people to connect with and bask in their home sweet homes.  I imagine the day when I can and will return the hospitality with an open invitation to come visit my community and enjoy all the amenities we have to offer there.  Until then, we will blow through town like a cool breeze on a hot day.  Continuing the journey of exploration, discovery, and adventure until we find home sweet home for us.

Much Love,

Suyana

Image may contain: Allison Dries and Suyana Cole, people smiling, people sitting, food and indoor

Gone, but not forgotten

 

These past few months have been a time of inner reflection and, quiet frankly, a lot of uncertainty.  After spending a year in a half in Costa Rica, I have returned to the states to find clarity about how our, my son and I’s, next chapter will read.  The shift in plot is unknown to me, and I feel that is how it is meant to be right now.  I know I have not written here in a while, but this blog and my reader have not gone off my radar.  I just wasn’t really sure what I wanted to share at this moment with all the smoke and mirrors that is my reality right now.

Luckily, this inner mystery is a result of a very profound intention I set:  To trust.  To trust myself, to trust life, to trust that my needs will be met, to trust that I am now moving through life without masks, authentic and real.  To trust that each step is taking me further and further down the Heroine’s Journey.  To trust my inner strength, to trust my connection with Infinite Intelligence, to trust that my contributions to this reality will be perfectly timed and received with open-hearts by those who are in resonance with the information and my sharing.  To trust that the tribe will unite and the community becomes manifest.  To trust that I have nothing to prove in order to be worthy.  Simply, to trust.  And so, currently, life is leaving me one glorious bread crumb at a time.  And I am following them

That is what I have to share at this moment.  Being back in the states and spending time with my nuclear family unit has shed light on some area which I have not cultivated the attitude and perspective of trust.  It is wonderful how these core people from my youth, who raised me in their image, can be such catalysts for my personal growth and shedding of all those false images.  It has been a powerful opportunity for self awareness.  I feel the time here, though, is also coming to an end.  And I am learning to cultivate trust about that, too.  To trust the resources I need for our epic road trip around the country will manifest.  To trust that I will follow the inner road map to the places to see, people to meet, and landscapes to enjoy.   To step forward with trust and keep stepping.

I will be blogging on this site about the journey as it unfolds.  If you know of any intentional communities in your area or ones that you have a desire to check out, leave the name in the comments section and I will see about getting them on the itinerary.

With Love and Gratitude,

Suyana

Rainy Days are here again Days 11-16

Well, I am glad I gave myself some flexibility in this fasting process, because unexpected circumstances tend to arise when you live in the back road forests of Costa Rica.  The village where I live was short on the produce order last week, like really short.  I had barely enough veggies and fruit to juice for one day, let alone the 4 days it would be before the next shipment of fresh foods was schedules to arrive.  And that shipment would only come if the rivers that are so high they run across the road from the farm to our community were low enough for the truck to cross.

So I did what any rational person fasting would do, I stuck to my liquid diet and drank only water and teas.  Wait a minute, I didn’t do that at all.  I ate.  I ate roasted potatoes with salt.  I ate jasmine rice with salt.  I was really missing some salt.  I found myself over the weekend in full on survival mode, eating.  It may have only happened twice, but that was enough for me to spend the next few days reaffirming my fasting protocol, redressing my lack of willpower to stay the course, and recommitting to one of the main ingredients I promised myself to have as often as necessary.  Self- compassion.

dsc08024-3621.jpg

Monday came along and I started the day with a huge glass of water.  A HIIT workout was followed by a shower and then onto the computer to do some work.  After that a cup of tea and some green juice with two heaping spoonfuls of spirulina.  Then I found myself at the end of the day, watching an inspiring movie based on true events called Tracks and going pee for the hundredth time that day.  Tuesday came a fresh order of fruits and vegetables to the local shop and I stocked up on all things juicy.  I also got all the yummy ingredients to make my famous (at least among my circle of friends) root soup.  All in all, I am on day 16 of the fasting and focusing on the many, many successes, not the few shortfalls.

And I realized that with so many goals we have the reward is in the end of the process required to get there.  We are destination focused.  And if not, we often are focused on the relaxation that happens when our process to achieve our goals has reached its end.  This mentality is a hindrance to our ability to create new habits.

Healthy living can be a task we set out to do over a period of allotted time or it can be the building of a new habit.  The turning of a new page, into a new chapter where you become the person that does health promoting activities, enjoys a weekly fasting day, or craves holistic and vibrant meals.  It is not a goal, it is a paradigm shift.  And that is what I have set out to do here with this process.  Of course it has a time frame and I don’t intend to fast for the rest of my life.  But, each drink, each bite, I am cultivating the habits of tuning in to what my body wants and creating the habit of being present to the activity of consumption.  It requires ample amounts of patience with myself as my whole life I have been rushing to eat, emotional eating, or eating in a state of distraction.

At this point, I welcome this process of being present with the action of consumption.  I welcome the compassion I feel towards myself during the moments I fall back into old ways of being.  I trust that this new approach will anchor into my consciousness and then become the default operating protocol for my subconscious mind.  And that is where effort and persistence fall away and the automatic habits and patterns are established as the new norm.

Cheers to creating habits of presence and well being.

Much Love,

Suyana

 

 

Life as a Jungle Mama

Imagine putting your child to sleep, after a gratifying day of playing cards and chatting with him while the power is off.  This, apparently, because of an automobile accident involving a truck and a bus and not because of the standard reason of powerful storms sweeping through the region.

Picture walking into the living room, sitting on the couch and relaxing after a long day with a Netflix show and some herbal refreshments.  Then choose to get up from the couch, shut off the lights, walk down the hallway with your computer open for some light and to watch the last few moments of your show.  

Now visualize a long dark cylinder object laid out before you on the side of the floor.  Experience the recognition of that shape and the surge of stress responses that immediately overtake your system as your brain reaches the conclusion that you are looking at a snake.  At that split second of understanding witness that snake recoiling swiftly from your oncoming advance as the head of the snake passes barely inches from your foot as you come to a dead stop while simultaneously retraces the last five foot step you took in one long lunge backwards while gasping.

Now, realize that you are in an open house, with no closed walls standing in the hall area right behind the bed, right behind the sleeping child you were hanging out with early today, resting and dreaming with ease.  Know that you don’t want to take your eyes off of it, in case it moves somewhere else in your absence.  But understand that you must arm yourself with the jungle weapon of choice, a broom.  And cross around the bed to the side of the snake to retrieve your phone charging on the floor less than a foot away from the snake to contact someone for guidance in this matter.

It is dark, of course, so you can’t quiet make out what kind of snake it is and in this area, you find yourself, strangely enough, hoping it is a venom-less boa constrictor.  Just picture it…

This is my life as a Jungle Mom. I retrieved my phone and inquired with my fellow community members how best to evict my visitor, all the while knowing there is some symbolism, some message for me to receive from this beautiful creature.  Within minutes individuals were reaching out to assist me.  In the end, my 30 minute experience brought me plenty of material to reflect on in my moments of silence and stillness.  I am living the life of a jungle mom spreading my wings and stepping into experiences such as this with an open heart and mind, and the support of this community. Thank you for all of it.
Much Love,

Suyana

Still going strong Days 6-10

being present embrace it all

I am a fourth of the way through my cleanse and I am still rocking it out.  The only water fasting day was challenging.  If you don’t believe me, just ask my son.  He just so happened to be hungry…all day long.  And on more than one occasion I had to apologize for losing my temper with him after the fourth, fifth, sixth, and twenty-seventh request for food, which sounded a lot like this, “I’m hungry,” from across the living room as I was trying to meditate my way into a peaceful state of non-resistance.  I may not have screamed back, “You don’t know what hungry is, boy.”  But I thought it.  And other more rated R thoughts came flooding into my mind in response to his whining pleas for more food.  “I want a snack.”  “What is there to eat?”

Of course, he didn’t choose to do a 40-day fast, I told myself.  But after most of the day with just water and an ache in my belly, I couldn’t find the patient, caring momma bear inside.  I was only left with the irritated youth that thought life isn’t fair and get your own damn snack, kid.  But he was super understanding and always accepted my apologies with a shrug and nod of understanding.

After the water day was watermelon day.  What a sweet treat.  I don’t even think I need to elaborate on this one.  I eat a watermelon that day and slept like a baby.

The next day was supposed to be a dry fasting day, in which I don’t eat or drink anything, but I was super busy at work and knew that I would be unable to take care of all my necessary tasks without at least a green juice.   So that is what I did, I drank a green juice with a tablespoon of spirulina in it and got a boat load of stuff done.  Then it was back into the juicing, root soup, and tea fasting days.

I am full of energy and good spirits.  Have been having powerful and informative dreams that I remember in the morning.  I continue to spend time with great people I enjoy being around who will all soon be leaving the community we co-exist in to embark on new adventures while it is the rainy months here.

And the lessons I am learning about my relationship with food have been eye opening to say the least.

I can confidently say that I use food for the following reasons:

  • To relief boredom
  • To calm my mind in times of important decision making
  • To avoid activities that I know are important, but don’t want to do for whatever reason
  • To alleviate the feelings of fear, worry, or concern
  • To distract myself from self-judgement
  • If I figure out more, believe me, I will let you know.

Until then, I am excited about all this clarity and am starting to ask the next question in this process.  What productive activities can I engage in instead of emotional eating to shift energy or self sooth during times of stress?

I have already found a few things:

  • Spend time with friends, not centered around eating together
  • Meditate, my saving grace
  • Dancing to awesome music, here is one I have been listening to lately

Much Love to you all,

Suyana

Celebrations are still possibly Day 5

Fireworks Grand Finale

A group of friends just left my house after an evening of visiting, laughing, listening to music, and connecting around the candlelight after the power went out in beautiful Costa Rica.  I usually make snacks, treats, and yummy food for people to eat when they come for a visit.  But I am fasting at this time and I made a juice and some teas to share with the companions that joined me tonight.  One of my co-hostess made chocolate at some point in the evening, which everyone seemed to enjoy.  It was a happy surprise for me that everyone seemed to have just as much fun without all the good eats as they usually do with them.  And I was happy to remember that even when I am fasting, I can still spend time with friends and loved ones.

For so many of us, celebration is centered around or involves food to some degree.  I know for me, in my family and in the US custom, food is the central theme of most holidays and the tradition with that food is to eat a lot of it.  Because, hey, we are  celebrating here.  I know for many of the clients I worked with back home, one of their main concerns about doing a cleanse or fast is what they would do on this or that holiday or festive occasion.  And since within a month’s time you are most likely to have at least one celebration to join whether it is a birthday party, holiday, girl’s night out, or sporting event; there is always something going on that can be an excuse not to start the process at that moment.

Today I was meant to be on my water fasting day.  But I decided I would take that day as a juicing and tea fasting day so I could enjoy a drink with my friends.  Tomorrow I will do my water fasting day and then WATERMELON FASTING DAY!!!!  Yippee!!!  I used to tell people who would resist doing a fast because of these lifestyle norms that we become accustom to like eating all the yummy food at a picnic or having a piece of cake at a birthday celebration, that it is never a ‘great’ time to start a fast or cleanse.  Just like it is never a great time to get sick.  You just do it.  And committing to a cleanse once a year for 3 or 4 weeks can definitely make you less like to get sick, perhaps really sick.  So why not plan for a cleanse now as opposed to getting surprised by an illness another day.  Just saying.

I’m so grateful for all the tools and knowledge I have that supports me in staying committed to this process.  I know the water fasting days and the dry fasting days will be particularly important for me to tap into my ways of redirecting my attention and focus on the long term goal as opposed to the short term sacrifice.  But I am only 5 days in at this point and I feel great.  Motivated.  Centered.  Connected.  Energized.  And grateful.

Much Love,

Suyana

What is Your Invitation Day 3 & 4

Enchanted forest.

What is your entry point?  What offers you an invitation to go within and find yourself again?  Is it meditation, singing, dancing, being with loved ones, working with your hands, creating an art piece, playing music, some or all of the above?  For me, one of the ways that I get invited to go without and tap into the infinite depth that exists there is to create a practice and follow it.  And when I don’t follow it, inquire with compassion, what information I am receiving in those moments.  All of it becomes an exploration of self, my resilience, my vulnerability, my state of presence.

You may have read already that on day two I licked the chocolate frosting from a knife while serving my son a piece of dessert.  I called it ‘cheating’, as it was not following the protocol I had developed to embark on this 40-day fasting program.  But, in the end, I didn’t do it absent-mindedly.  I was totally present as I brought the knife to my mouth and tasted the sweet confection.  Just as I was present to the thoughts that opened the door to this behavior in the first place.  The rebellious nature that spurs me on to bucking even my own authority.  And, thankfully, at this point in my life, I am not making any of these parts wrong or inappropriate.  There is space for all of me to exist.

I may wish for certain characteristics to be more dominant at times than others.  The rebel in me can put her attention on Big Pharma and leave the rebelling to a 40-day fast on the back burner.  The compassionate space inside me is stepping up full time these days to make sure I am not getting lost in the protocol and forgetting why I started this fasting in the first place.  And the light-hearted playful side always seems to be wanting to tickle my son.  So be it.  Be welcome here.

Mind you, these aspects are all one.  Each are pieces of a puzzle that is a human being. The dynamic way in which the combination creates the whole beautiful expression of a person is miraculous.  And although, they are all welcome, some are more supportive of my goals than others.  Luckily I, like all the rest of us, have the power of focus and intention.  And, even better, I am aware of  the power I have in my attention, intention, and focus.  And even better than that, is I am disciplined already in the art of applying intentional focus and attention in my daily life.  Yippy!

This invitation to deepen my understanding of self and express this authentically in the world continues through my door of discipline.  I will joyously share my journey with you and receive any thoughts, comments, and sharing from you, dear reader, with an open heart.  Thank you again for being a companion with me on the trip.  And remember to always keep an eye out for your invitations, your open doors.

 

Much Love,

Suyana

Here is a close up shot of my eyes on Day 4 of the fasting process, taken outside on the patio steps by my son.  Let’s see if anything changes in a few weeks.

Eyes day 4

Here is a close of the right eye, on Day 4, taken inside with artificial lighting at my kitchen island looking out the glass sliding doors.

Eye day 4

P.S. Here is a drink recipe I have to share with you. My son loves it.

  • 1 cup pineapple
  • 2 frozen bananas
  • 1 passionfruit, the sour ones
  • 1 teaspoon of honey
  • 1-1 1/2 cups of water (depending on how thick or thin you like it)
  • ice (optional)
  • protein powder or super food powders (optional)

Blend together and enjoy!

 

Day 2

delicious chocolate

Let’s just start with a confession.  I licked the knife, not once but twice, after giving my son a piece of chocolate brownie with chocolate frosting on two separate occasions today.  Oh, I tried to convince myself that it was a lot like my liquid diet I am committing to for the next 5 and a half weeks, but I knew better.  And even though the recipe consisted of avocados, maple syrup, cacao powder, and vanilla extract; nothing too controversial, I knew that it was cheating.  And I did it anyway.  Because no matter how much I know in my strong, centered moments this is a gift and an invitation to deepen my relationship with life itself, in those other moments it is sacrifice, hardship, and deprivation.  And that weak moment in my conviction and dedication just so happened to coincide with feeding my son a delicious, moist, chocolatey dessert, twice.

So, Day 2, and I am already in the process of showering myself with loving compassion and understanding.  I am reminding myself that it is more important to me at this point to be authentic, even transparent in this sharing and in my life so that I can be free of the masks and conditioning that have accumulated over my truest self for the majority of my life, than to be perfect.   Thank God!

So I slipped up a tad twice today.  So be it.  I also rocked day 2 99% of the time.  I had a green juice that included cucumber, celery, spinach, and spirulina.  I enjoyed another juice with grapefruit, carrots, lemon, cucumber, and ginger.  I had soup today and instantly missed a companion who recently left this area of the world to head out on another adventure.  I ate this bowl of pureed vegetables thinking how enjoyable it is to spend time with people that fill your heart with joy and uplift your spirits beyond, beyond, beyond.  So, in this moment of longing, I took a big spoonful of soup and poured all that love and gratitude I felt into my meal, my moment, my present.  It started out as a coping mechanism to distract me from the feeling of missing someone special.  Soon it transformed into another practice of presence, of actually eating each bite, not mindless shoving the food into my mouth to distract from an unwanted emotion.  And the gratitude I felt for this individual began to expand into a gratitude for everything I had around me at the moment.  The moment I was actually and currently in.

Eating and preparing to eat can take up a considerable amount of time in my day.  And it hasn’t changed since I started this fast, believe me.  I am now making two meals, three times a day.  Three drinks for me and three meals for my son.  But I am present with them though.  And that presence has created an opening for new experiences and a renewed since of calm.  Tonight my son hung out in the kitchen while I made my soup and his vegetables with rice.  We laughed and he asked me 8 year questions:

“Why does everyone hug and sit on sick people’s beds in hospitals in the movies.  Do they know that hurts the person?”

“Well, that is an excellent question, honey.  What do you think?”

“Because they are selfish and aren’t thinking about how much pain it will cause the other person.”

“Maybe,  because its a movie, they just want to make sure you can see them in the frame.”

“What’s a frame?”

“Let’s eat.”

 

Much Love,

Suyana

Day 1